Every month that passed, and each period that came, I just become more and more discouraged. I would read about teenagers having sex twice and getting pregnant and I wondered why it was so easy for them and so hard for us.
About 9 months of trying with no luck was when the tears start. Each time I would get my period I would call my husband in tears. Then I would see stories of women who had their babies and left them to die in trash cans in alleyways. Stories of moms smothering their infants. Awful stories. And instead of grieving for those lost little souls, I had a pity party. Why were those women, who were so obviously unfit to have children, able to get pregnant while I was struggling? It all seemed so unfair.
At 10 months with no luck we went to a fertility center to look for some answers. We spoke with the doctor. I had extensive blood work done, and John had to do a sperm analysis test (which he was surprisingly ok with and completely rather quickly!) All of the results came back fine- no problems so far. Then the doctor took a peek inside my body. It was discovered that I had endometriosis, but nothing so serious that it would prevent me from getting pregnant. I was told that I had a pocket of hostile fluid in my uterus that basically attacked my egg each month so it wasn't viable and the same fluid also attacked sperm when it was present in my uterus. I was devastated. I felt like my body was fighting against me and what I wanted. I desperately wanted to split myself in two and give my body a good ass kicking so it would shape up and get it's act together! But again the doctor stressed that my endometriosis was incredibly mild and I would have no problem conceiving. I even had an HSG test (they squirt a dye into my uterus and watch it get sucked into my Fallopian tubes and spill out the other end) and my tubes were given the all clear.
The next step was to get an operation that was essentially a vacuum that would suck out the hostile fluid. The incision would be made in my belly button and a tiny tool would be inserted. The entire operation would only be an hour or so, but it was a full process, requiring 3 days off of work, someone to drive me to and from, and, oh yeah, about $1,500. $1,500?! Again I was swimming in tears. John and I were still in debt from our wedding (we paid for everything ourselves- putting it all on credit cards), and from buying our house and all of the money that comes along with that. $1,500 was not an option for us. But I put a plan together to try and slowly save the money. This was for our future child. That money seemed a paltry sum to the happiness that a family would bring us.
At that moment, we stopped "trying." I mean, John didn't go back to pulling out, but we stopped monitoring my cycle, stopped taking ovulation tests, stopped worrying about it. I couldn't get pregnant until I had that operation, so all of the tracking and planning was just a waste of time at the moment.
Then came the cruise. John and I were going on a cruise to celebrate the anniversary of our honeymoon. I know what you're thinking: "She should have used the cruise money for the operation." And that is a perfectly valid thought. But we had planned this cruise for 2 years, had already paid for it completely a year before, we had 4 other family and friends who were coming on this cruise to vacation with us, AND John and I desperately needed to forget about trying to conceive and just enjoy each other. I threw myself into the planning of this trip. SOOOO much prep work and organizing and logistics. Who is going to watch our house and our pets for 7 days? What am I going to wear for formal night? How can I fit everything into only one suitcase?! My husband and I were still doing the deed at least 3 times a week, but my mind was on vacation and not a baby.
The cruise was such an amazing experience!! I made so many memories! I celebrated my 31st birthday, I got drunk 4 days out of the 7 (we had the unlimited drink package but also I'm not a drinker so 3 good drinks and I was gone!), I went zip-lining in Jamaica, horse-back riding in Mexico, and had so much delicious food that my clothes were stretching out by the 7th day! All in all it was the best adventure!
We got back from our incredible time and it was back to the grind. Back to working every single shift I possibly could in order to save up the money for that operation. But 3 weeks later, my period hadn't come. It was actually a week late at that point. But I didn't really take note. After all, I need that operation to conceive, plus I had just spent a week traveling and I knew that traveling to other countries can effect period cycles. But a few more days past and I decided to secretly take a pregnancy test. The test was a really inexpensive one from Walgreens that I had had for awhile and while it didn't really say 'positive' I could have sworn there was a TEENY-TINY pink line in the positive window. I was pretty sure that I was just seeing things, or wishful thinking was setting in, but I woke up the next morning and decided to purchase another test. On my way to work I stopped at a drugstore and bought a name brand, more expensive test. The second I got to work I ran to the bathroom and peed on the stick. I waited for what felt like an eternity, but I kept telling myself not to get my hopes up. When the timer rang on my phone, I snatched up the stick to reveal a bright and solid pink positive line!! Naturally, I cried.
I planned my pregnancy reveal to my husband all day and went shopping after work for the supplies. That evening I spilled the news and he was so excited. Naturally, we both cried.
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